Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Witty title not available... 

A student asked me today, "Mr. Smith, do you think we'll ever have a deaf President?"

"Well," I replied, "we have a dumb one now, so I guess it's not inconceivable." I haven't gotten any phone calls or nasty emails yet, but I'm sure they're on their way.

So did you see that Facebook will soon drop its .edu email requirement? I could almost hear a collevtive whine from the users who still contend it's not just another Myspace. Awwww...too bad. The only bright side to all of this will be that maybe...just maybe...the battle between the pedos and the attention whores over control of the internet's Nobody Gives a Shit market will collapse on itself in a black hole of narcissistic suckitude. Of course, that's all probably too good to be true.

Not that everything about social networking is wrong, mind you. For instance, I broke up a fight in the bleachers at a pep rally the other day. As the po-po were dragging the two girls away, I saw a kid behind me snap his phone shut and claim the video he just shot was going straight to his Myspace page when he got home. I'm not sure if he actually did it, but I wouldn't mind being able to critique my choke-slam technique.

Finally, I'm finding it very difficult to keep discussion of politics out of this blog. I've been tempted lately, especially now that the mid-term election bullshit is in full swing, not to mention the 9/11 exploitation that's being shoved up my ass every time I turn around. What I'll probably do is just start another blog somewhere else and remain as anonymous as possible while still having a place to piss and moan without offending those of you who actually come here to get away from all of that nonsense. I wonder if anncoulterisacunt.blogspot.com is taken already?


P.S. Yeah, I said it. Sorry.


Sunday, September 10, 2006

And then a bunch of other shit happened 

Did any of you catch the Supernanny marathon on tv this weekend? Don't worry, I'll fill you in. In each episode, a pair of clueless parents who've spoiled the living shit out of their children pretend like they have no idea why their homes have been overrun by what can only be described as drunken, crackhead demon babies. Oh and there's usually some dude sitting around on his ass eating all the food and leaving an underwear trail behind him. Then, just before I start cursing the family for letting some unemployed hobo live with them, I realize it's the dad. Awwww shit...somebody please help these people out before those heathens end up in my classroom in ten years.

Would it be wrong to have Steve Irwin Day at a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game?



Friday, September 08, 2006

Oh, for F's Sake: STFU Edition 

STFU Part 1: Survivor critics

Most of you have probably already heard about the latest season of Survivor where the teams are going to be separated by race. To everyone complaining about this, allow me to tell you to shut the fuck up. One particular opponent (a NYC councilman) pleaded with CBS to "reconsider." What a wonderful idea, Fucko...except for the fact that the entire show was filmed months ago. Calm down people. Here are some things you will NOT see this season:

1) The black team is forced to ride in the back of the boat on the way to the island

2) The Hispanic team will be placed in charge of all groundskeeping and food-gathering duties

3) The Asian team will row around in circles during a water challenge because none of them know how to drive

4) The white team will face turmoil of epic proportions after they become divided over the classic argument Sport/Not a Sport: NASCAR vs. Cheerleading

OK...#4 might actually happen. Either way, the world will not end because a TV show divided 16 people by race and made them compete against each other.

STFU Part 2: Kobe Bryant

After the US basketball team could only muster a 3rd place finish in the World Championships, Kobe Bryant, who was not asked to be on the team (presumably because he's a giant douchebag), said that what the squad was lacking was "chemistry." While this may or may not be true, the fact that it's coming from Kobe Bryant is like hearing Terrell Owens complain that the problem with today's athletes is that they're too selfish. Excuse me Mr. Bryant...STFU. Oh, and die in a fire while you're at it.

STFU Part 3: WTC movies

Enough already. I realize we're approaching the 5 year anniversary...whatever that means. I also realize that Hollywood ran out of ideas somewhere in the 1950s. Finally, I realize that politicians are jerking off all over themselves because the anniversary will fall just in time for that final push toward election day. It's not that I think the timing of these movies are insensitive to the families of the victims. If anything, they're insensitive to the entire nation because they suck ass as movies. STFU Hollywood...get a new idea for once.



Thursday, September 07, 2006

And so it begins... 

I finally figured out why my job pisses me off so much. Let me rephrase that. I've finally figured out why half the people I work with can suck it. Notice I said "half the people?" While that's probably too generous of an estimate, I do work with some outstanding teachers. It's the other ones...damn they're idiots.

It took me four or five years to come to terms with the fact that my students arrive in my classroom each year completely ignorant of what is expected of them. I no longer begrudge them for not "getting it" the first time. It's called the "learning PROCESS" for a reason. I now look forward to each year as another opportunity to join my students on the journey from ignorance to empowerment. Depending on the student, sometimes that journey is shrouded in darkness with many twists, turns, and/or setbacks along the way. It's actually a very special thing to be a part of, and I'm blessed to experience this year after year.

But, I digress...let's talk about the fucking retards I work with. As I said before, it's understandable that teenagers might tend to give less than a shit about what they do at scool every day. I expect them to be imperfect when it comes to things like work ethic, personal responsibility, following rules, etc. When ADULTS can't seem to handle these things, however, my tolerance is at an all-time low.

I was sitting in a faculty meeting yesterday listening to various administrators go on and on about things like the importance of adhering to contractual obligations, having lesson plans available, challenging the students with relevant, rigorous material...and on...and on...and on. I'm sitting there thinking what the fuck is wrong with you people? Thanks a buttload for being complete idiots and making it necessary for me to sit around and listen to this bullshit because you can't pull your heads out of your asses. 'Preciate it. After that was over, we had to sit through another hour about how to develop more challenging material for our students. While I appreciate the opportunity to learn new things that I can apply to my own classroom, it struck me that the main reason we were being "trained" to do this wasn't because we don't know how to do it, but rather to try and force those who still refuse to do it.

All of this goes way deeper than yesterday's meeting, and I promise to tell you all about it in future entries. But let me end with the thought that was bouncing around in my head the whole time. I'll probably just end up sounding like and arrogant prick, but at least I'm honest, right?

from Good Will Hunting...

Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you have any fuckin' idea how easy this is? This is a fuckin' joke. And I'm sorry you can't do this. I really am because I wouldn't have to fuckin' sit here and watch you fumble around and fuck it up.

That's how I feel.

Every. Single. Day. Sigh...



Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Holy shit...has it really been that long since I posted? Sorry about that folks, but sometimes RL just doesn't agree with good blogging.

Well, we're back in school, and yes I have tales aplenty. Where should I start?

We still have NINE VACANCIES to fill. That's right...NINE FUCKING VACANCIES! The sad part is that we only had four when pre-planning started, which means five other assholes already quit. As sucky as it is for the kids, it's probably for the best. If they quit before the students even come back, they probably wouldn't have been worth a shit anyway. Good riddance, I guess.

Apparently this is also "Pile Every Possible Task On Smitty Month." It's not that I mind the extra work, it's just been difficult to prioritize everything. As soon as I'm almost done with one thing, I remember two other that needed to be done last week. I know it's selfish, but when I start getting frustrated about it, I think to myself yeah, but this'll make me a shoe-in for TOTY this year. Is that wrong? It's weird because sometimes some of the people I work with make me feel like a rock star, yet at the same time I feel like all those guys on AFV getting hit in the junk by a kid with a wiffle ball bat.

One of the things I've been doing is making sure all of the new teachers receive as much assistance as possible. You know...so we don't end up with TEN FUCKING VACANCIES. For the math teachers (the Geometry and Algebra 2 ones), I've given them lesson plans for the entire year (Alg. 2 and Geometry), tests, quizzes, classroom management plans, warmup problems, and every other document I've created over the last few years that might make their lives a little easier.

Oh...and we did get a PWAP (Principal with a Penis) after all. I like him so far, but one of the first things he did was decide we needed fresh data on our students. This is actually a good idea, but it also involves creating school-wide assessments to be given on a regular basis. Guess who gets to create new school-wide math assessments every two weeks? Again, the idea is fantastic, but it's a real pain in the ass to create fair test items while at the same time making sure that every standard is only being adressed a certain number of times as well as developing the device to measure and sort the data once the tests have been given. Testing companies get paid millions of dollars each year to develop these instruments. I, however, am fortunate enough to be able to do it for free in my spare time.

Again, I'm not really complaining. It's going to be great for the students, which is what's most important after all. Besides, complaining would only attract commenters who'll pop off about teachers only working nine months out of the year, blah, blah, blah. I've been on too long of a hiatus to start telling people to fuck off already.

Meanwhile, I've also developed two sayings that I've been getting a lot of mileage out of. I'm pretty sure both of them make me sound like an asshole, but I get a kick out of them:

1) For when people are kissing my ass all over the place about trying to help out the new folks: "The water's just really shallow. I'm not actually walking on it." The true intent of this is because, although I appreciate compliments, I don't handle them very well. On the other hand, I probably just end up coming off as an arrogrant prick.

2) For when I've been given yet another task to complete for no apparent reason other than I must have a "No lube necessary" sign around my neck. "You know, one of these days, I'm going to show up for work as Clark Kent." Not only does this one shout ARROGANT PRICK again, but nobody (and I mean nobody) appreciates the humor in this. Sigh.

Anyway, it's good to be back, and I'm sure I'll have plenty more Tales From School in the weeks to come.



Tuesday, June 27, 2006

What do you want on your Tombstone? 

Here's a little insight into why I may be completely insane within the next five years:

I've spent an inordinate amount of time over the past few weeks obsessing over the fact that there's always 19 slices of pepperoni on every Tombstone pizza I buy. While I'm a big fan of consistency (I fear change), it's the number itself that bothers me. First of all, I like to arrange the pepperoni in a way that makes it easier to cut when the pizza's done cooking. I arrange them the exact same way every time so that there when I cut the pizza into six pieces there will be three pepperoni slices on each piece.

3 X 6 = 18

19 - 18 = 1

I don't really mind that one piece gets an extra pepperoni. Well...maybe I do, but that's not the real issue here. If they're going to put the same number of pepperoni slices on every single pizza they make, why the hell would they use a fucking prime number? We only have one child right now (who has yet to learn the joys of pizza), but what happens when we have two children. I know it's just one extra slice, but I also know I fought with my sister over every extra piece of anything. It had nothing to do with wanting the extra item but had everything to do with wanting MORE than she had. I don't care if it was french fries or Chicken Pox...if we both had some I wanted more of them. Period.

So again, the prime number thing. It's really pissing me off. Are they deliberately trying to fuck with people?

Tombstone Maker 1: How many pepperoni slices should we put on each pizza?

Tombstone Maker 2: I don't care, but whatever we decide it should be a prime number.

Tombstone Maker 1: Why's that?

Tombstone Maker 2: Because a prime number isn't divisible by any number besides one and itself.

Tombstone Maker 1: ...

Tombstone Maker 2: Think about it...no matter how the customers try to arrange the pepperoni, it'll be impossible for them to distribute the slices evenly to each piece of pizza. MWUAHAHAHAHAHA...BRILLIANT!!!

Jodi suggested I write a letter, but I'm not going to because I don't want to have to explain what a prime number is to Mr. Tombstone or whoever runs that company. Don't ask...it's a sensitive issue. Let's just say that 1 is NOT a prime number and leave it at that. OK?



Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I know it's been a while...deal with it. Seriously, though, the end of the year is a little hectic for me. We're wrapping things up at school, and I'm about to begin my 2-month vacation. Next year should be interesting. We're getting a new principal, although, we have no idea who it's going to be. At first we were told that the newly hired superintendent was appointing one from his former district.

When I found out the name, I Googled her and found out a couple of things that made me a little nervous. First of all, she's only been a principal for about four months. Another cause for concern is that her current school only has about 600 students in it, while we're at about 2500 this year. Today, however, I found out that she's not coming after all. Apparently, the $85,000 salary offer was too low. Who can blame her though; she makes $105,000 at her current position. Yeah...that seems like a lot to me too...especially since that district is reported to be over $13 million in debt.

I've mentioned this before about the leadership at our school, but we need more testes around here. Here's the breakdown:

Principal: Female
Vice-Principal: Female
Yellow House Dean: Female
Orange House Dean: Female
Blue House Dean: Female
Red/Platinum House Dean: Female
Green House Dean: Male
Guidance Counselors: 3 Female, 1 Male

Please, before you click the comment button and bitch about me being a pig and all that other bullshit...save it. I'm not advocating removing all of the females and replacing them with males. If that's how you interpret it, then you're a fucking retard. In fact, I'll say that my immediate superior (the Yelllow House dean) is hands-down one of the best administrators I've ever had the pleasure to work with.

So now that the search on once again for a new principal, I thought I would make a list of my requirements for my new boss:

1) A penis
2) Experience
3) "Foot in ass first, questions later" attitude

I can't really think of anything else.



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