Just because I can...not because it's important

Witty title not available...

2006-09-13T21:51:00.000-04:00

A student asked me today, "Mr. Smith, do you think we'll ever have a deaf President?"

"Well," I replied, "we have a dumb one now, so I guess it's not inconceivable." I haven't gotten any phone calls or nasty emails yet, but I'm sure they're on their way.

So did you see that Facebook will soon drop its .edu email requirement? I could almost hear a collevtive whine from the users who still contend it's not just another Myspace. Awwww...too bad. The only bright side to all of this will be that maybe...just maybe...the battle between the pedos and the attention whores over control of the internet's Nobody Gives a Shit market will collapse on itself in a black hole of narcissistic suckitude. Of course, that's all probably too good to be true.

Not that everything about social networking is wrong, mind you. For instance, I broke up a fight in the bleachers at a pep rally the other day. As the po-po were dragging the two girls away, I saw a kid behind me snap his phone shut and claim the video he just shot was going straight to his Myspace page when he got home. I'm not sure if he actually did it, but I wouldn't mind being able to critique my choke-slam technique.

Finally, I'm finding it very difficult to keep discussion of politics out of this blog. I've been tempted lately, especially now that the mid-term election bullshit is in full swing, not to mention the 9/11 exploitation that's being shoved up my ass every time I turn around. What I'll probably do is just start another blog somewhere else and remain as anonymous as possible while still having a place to piss and moan without offending those of you who actually come here to get away from all of that nonsense. I wonder if anncoulterisacunt.blogspot.com is taken already?

Later.

P.S. Yeah, I said it. Sorry.

And then a bunch of other shit happened

2006-09-10T18:39:00.000-04:00

Did any of you catch the Supernanny marathon on tv this weekend? Don't worry, I'll fill you in. In each episode, a pair of clueless parents who've spoiled the living shit out of their children pretend like they have no idea why their homes have been overrun by what can only be described as drunken, crackhead demon babies. Oh and there's usually some dude sitting around on his ass eating all the food and leaving an underwear trail behind him. Then, just before I start cursing the family for letting some unemployed hobo live with them, I realize it's the dad. Awwww shit...somebody please help these people out before those heathens end up in my classroom in ten years.

Would it be wrong to have Steve Irwin Day at a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game?

Later.

Oh, for F's Sake: STFU Edition

2006-09-08T21:31:00.000-04:00

STFU Part 1: Survivor critics

Most of you have probably already heard about the latest season of Survivor where the teams are going to be separated by race. To everyone complaining about this, allow me to tell you to shut the fuck up. One particular opponent (a NYC councilman) pleaded with CBS to "reconsider." What a wonderful idea, Fucko...except for the fact that the entire show was filmed months ago. Calm down people. Here are some things you will NOT see this season:

1) The black team is forced to ride in the back of the boat on the way to the island

2) The Hispanic team will be placed in charge of all groundskeeping and food-gathering duties

3) The Asian team will row around in circles during a water challenge because none of them know how to drive

4) The white team will face turmoil of epic proportions after they become divided over the classic argument Sport/Not a Sport: NASCAR vs. Cheerleading

OK...#4 might actually happen. Either way, the world will not end because a TV show divided 16 people by race and made them compete against each other.

STFU Part 2: Kobe Bryant

After the US basketball team could only muster a 3rd place finish in the World Championships, Kobe Bryant, who was not asked to be on the team (presumably because he's a giant douchebag), said that what the squad was lacking was "chemistry." While this may or may not be true, the fact that it's coming from Kobe Bryant is like hearing Terrell Owens complain that the problem with today's athletes is that they're too selfish. Excuse me Mr. Bryant...STFU. Oh, and die in a fire while you're at it.

STFU Part 3: WTC movies

Enough already. I realize we're approaching the 5 year anniversary...whatever that means. I also realize that Hollywood ran out of ideas somewhere in the 1950s. Finally, I realize that politicians are jerking off all over themselves because the anniversary will fall just in time for that final push toward election day. It's not that I think the timing of these movies are insensitive to the families of the victims. If anything, they're insensitive to the entire nation because they suck ass as movies. STFU Hollywood...get a new idea for once.

Later.

And so it begins...

2006-09-07T17:54:00.000-04:00

I finally figured out why my job pisses me off so much. Let me rephrase that. I've finally figured out why half the people I work with can suck it. Notice I said "half the people?" While that's probably too generous of an estimate, I do work with some outstanding teachers. It's the other ones...damn they're idiots.

It took me four or five years to come to terms with the fact that my students arrive in my classroom each year completely ignorant of what is expected of them. I no longer begrudge them for not "getting it" the first time. It's called the "learning PROCESS" for a reason. I now look forward to each year as another opportunity to join my students on the journey from ignorance to empowerment. Depending on the student, sometimes that journey is shrouded in darkness with many twists, turns, and/or setbacks along the way. It's actually a very special thing to be a part of, and I'm blessed to experience this year after year.

But, I digress...let's talk about the fucking retards I work with. As I said before, it's understandable that teenagers might tend to give less than a shit about what they do at scool every day. I expect them to be imperfect when it comes to things like work ethic, personal responsibility, following rules, etc. When ADULTS can't seem to handle these things, however, my tolerance is at an all-time low.

I was sitting in a faculty meeting yesterday listening to various administrators go on and on about things like the importance of adhering to contractual obligations, having lesson plans available, challenging the students with relevant, rigorous material...and on...and on...and on. I'm sitting there thinking what the fuck is wrong with you people? Thanks a buttload for being complete idiots and making it necessary for me to sit around and listen to this bullshit because you can't pull your heads out of your asses. 'Preciate it. After that was over, we had to sit through another hour about how to develop more challenging material for our students. While I appreciate the opportunity to learn new things that I can apply to my own classroom, it struck me that the main reason we were being "trained" to do this wasn't because we don't know how to do it, but rather to try and force those who still refuse to do it.

All of this goes way deeper than yesterday's meeting, and I promise to tell you all about it in future entries. But let me end with the thought that was bouncing around in my head the whole time. I'll probably just end up sounding like and arrogant prick, but at least I'm honest, right?

from Good Will Hunting...

Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you have any fuckin' idea how easy this is? This is a fuckin' joke. And I'm sorry you can't do this. I really am because I wouldn't have to fuckin' sit here and watch you fumble around and fuck it up.

That's how I feel.

Every. Single. Day. Sigh...

Later.

Yikes!

2006-08-08T22:20:00.000-04:00

Holy shit...has it really been that long since I posted? Sorry about that folks, but sometimes RL just doesn't agree with good blogging.

Well, we're back in school, and yes I have tales aplenty. Where should I start?

We still have NINE VACANCIES to fill. That's right...NINE FUCKING VACANCIES! The sad part is that we only had four when pre-planning started, which means five other assholes already quit. As sucky as it is for the kids, it's probably for the best. If they quit before the students even come back, they probably wouldn't have been worth a shit anyway. Good riddance, I guess.

Apparently this is also "Pile Every Possible Task On Smitty Month." It's not that I mind the extra work, it's just been difficult to prioritize everything. As soon as I'm almost done with one thing, I remember two other that needed to be done last week. I know it's selfish, but when I start getting frustrated about it, I think to myself yeah, but this'll make me a shoe-in for TOTY this year. Is that wrong? It's weird because sometimes some of the people I work with make me feel like a rock star, yet at the same time I feel like all those guys on AFV getting hit in the junk by a kid with a wiffle ball bat.

One of the things I've been doing is making sure all of the new teachers receive as much assistance as possible. You know...so we don't end up with TEN FUCKING VACANCIES. For the math teachers (the Geometry and Algebra 2 ones), I've given them lesson plans for the entire year (Alg. 2 and Geometry), tests, quizzes, classroom management plans, warmup problems, and every other document I've created over the last few years that might make their lives a little easier.

Oh...and we did get a PWAP (Principal with a Penis) after all. I like him so far, but one of the first things he did was decide we needed fresh data on our students. This is actually a good idea, but it also involves creating school-wide assessments to be given on a regular basis. Guess who gets to create new school-wide math assessments every two weeks? Again, the idea is fantastic, but it's a real pain in the ass to create fair test items while at the same time making sure that every standard is only being adressed a certain number of times as well as developing the device to measure and sort the data once the tests have been given. Testing companies get paid millions of dollars each year to develop these instruments. I, however, am fortunate enough to be able to do it for free in my spare time.

Again, I'm not really complaining. It's going to be great for the students, which is what's most important after all. Besides, complaining would only attract commenters who'll pop off about teachers only working nine months out of the year, blah, blah, blah. I've been on too long of a hiatus to start telling people to fuck off already.

Meanwhile, I've also developed two sayings that I've been getting a lot of mileage out of. I'm pretty sure both of them make me sound like an asshole, but I get a kick out of them:

1) For when people are kissing my ass all over the place about trying to help out the new folks: "The water's just really shallow. I'm not actually walking on it." The true intent of this is because, although I appreciate compliments, I don't handle them very well. On the other hand, I probably just end up coming off as an arrogrant prick.

2) For when I've been given yet another task to complete for no apparent reason other than I must have a "No lube necessary" sign around my neck. "You know, one of these days, I'm going to show up for work as Clark Kent." Not only does this one shout ARROGANT PRICK again, but nobody (and I mean nobody) appreciates the humor in this. Sigh.

Anyway, it's good to be back, and I'm sure I'll have plenty more Tales From School in the weeks to come.

Later.

What do you want on your Tombstone?

2006-06-27T20:47:00.000-04:00

Here's a little insight into why I may be completely insane within the next five years:

I've spent an inordinate amount of time over the past few weeks obsessing over the fact that there's always 19 slices of pepperoni on every Tombstone pizza I buy. While I'm a big fan of consistency (I fear change), it's the number itself that bothers me. First of all, I like to arrange the pepperoni in a way that makes it easier to cut when the pizza's done cooking. I arrange them the exact same way every time so that there when I cut the pizza into six pieces there will be three pepperoni slices on each piece.

3 X 6 = 18

19 - 18 = 1

I don't really mind that one piece gets an extra pepperoni. Well...maybe I do, but that's not the real issue here. If they're going to put the same number of pepperoni slices on every single pizza they make, why the hell would they use a fucking prime number? We only have one child right now (who has yet to learn the joys of pizza), but what happens when we have two children. I know it's just one extra slice, but I also know I fought with my sister over every extra piece of anything. It had nothing to do with wanting the extra item but had everything to do with wanting MORE than she had. I don't care if it was french fries or Chicken Pox...if we both had some I wanted more of them. Period.

So again, the prime number thing. It's really pissing me off. Are they deliberately trying to fuck with people?

Tombstone Maker 1: How many pepperoni slices should we put on each pizza?

Tombstone Maker 2: I don't care, but whatever we decide it should be a prime number.

Tombstone Maker 1: Why's that?

Tombstone Maker 2: Because a prime number isn't divisible by any number besides one and itself.

Tombstone Maker 1: ...

Tombstone Maker 2: Think about it...no matter how the customers try to arrange the pepperoni, it'll be impossible for them to distribute the slices evenly to each piece of pizza. MWUAHAHAHAHAHA...BRILLIANT!!!

Jodi suggested I write a letter, but I'm not going to because I don't want to have to explain what a prime number is to Mr. Tombstone or whoever runs that company. Don't ask...it's a sensitive issue. Let's just say that 1 is NOT a prime number and leave it at that. OK?

Later.

Yeah...Yeah....

2006-05-16T10:16:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while...deal with it. Seriously, though, the end of the year is a little hectic for me. We're wrapping things up at school, and I'm about to begin my 2-month vacation. Next year should be interesting. We're getting a new principal, although, we have no idea who it's going to be. At first we were told that the newly hired superintendent was appointing one from his former district.

When I found out the name, I Googled her and found out a couple of things that made me a little nervous. First of all, she's only been a principal for about four months. Another cause for concern is that her current school only has about 600 students in it, while we're at about 2500 this year. Today, however, I found out that she's not coming after all. Apparently, the $85,000 salary offer was too low. Who can blame her though; she makes $105,000 at her current position. Yeah...that seems like a lot to me too...especially since that district is reported to be over $13 million in debt.

I've mentioned this before about the leadership at our school, but we need more testes around here. Here's the breakdown:

Principal: Female
Vice-Principal: Female
Yellow House Dean: Female
Orange House Dean: Female
Blue House Dean: Female
Red/Platinum House Dean: Female
Green House Dean: Male
Guidance Counselors: 3 Female, 1 Male

Please, before you click the comment button and bitch about me being a pig and all that other bullshit...save it. I'm not advocating removing all of the females and replacing them with males. If that's how you interpret it, then you're a fucking retard. In fact, I'll say that my immediate superior (the Yelllow House dean) is hands-down one of the best administrators I've ever had the pleasure to work with.

So now that the search on once again for a new principal, I thought I would make a list of my requirements for my new boss:

1) A penis
2) Experience
3) "Foot in ass first, questions later" attitude

I can't really think of anything else.

Later.

Fun with Innuendo

2006-04-14T09:04:00.000-04:00

A regular occurrence at our faculty meetings is the awarding of foam puzzle pieces to recognize good things that some of us have done for the school since our last meeting. I got one for helping with the fight, for instance (The WWE Smackdown Award). At this meeting, he assistant principal was giving out a couple pieces to honor some science department members who have stepped up to help out after two other department members were forced to take sudden leaves of absence (heart attack and broken ankle). Anyway, here's how the situation was explained to us:

"As many of you know, we've had a situation where a couple members of the science department have gone down on us. And if you know anything about the science department, when they go down, they usually go down for a long time."

I looked over at the person sitting next to me and asked, "Is it just me, or is that about the filthiest thing you've ever heard in your entire life?" Apparently I wasn't the only one.

...and then the "church giggles" set in.

Later.

This, that & the Other...

2006-04-12T11:52:00.000-04:00

Fun with Office Woman

Office Woman: Is Joe Schmoe in class today?

Me: No, ma'am

Office Woman: OK, can you send him to the office please?

Me: Uhhh...'no ma'am' kind of implies that he's not here. (students giggling in the background)

Office Woman: Huh?

Me: (very slowly) Heeeeee's.....nooooooot......heeeeeereee

Note in my mailbox from principal: Please see me before you leave RE: intercom etiquette.

Fuck.

Fun with OCD

While reviewing for a test yesterday, I noticed one of my students trying to get the attention of the student in the front desk of the row next to her. When he finally looked back at her, she asked him to move his desk forward about a foot. At first I thought that she was having trouble seeing the board, but when the kid moved his desk, she asked the girl next to her to push the rest of the desks in the row forward.

Why? Because they were all crammed together, and the girl couldn't concentrate with the desks like that. The girl next to her tried to push the desks forward, but it obviously wasn't going the way Little Miss OCD had planned it. I could tell she was getting frustrated, so I asked her if she wanted to just get out of her seat and do it herself. She did. Once the desks were spaced appropriately apart, I asked her if she needed to go wash her hands ten times before I continued with the test review. "No," she replied, and I went back to explaining the review problems.

Five minutes later, she raised her hand and asked to go to the restroom. "You have to go wash your hands now, don't you?" I asked.

"Yes." Poor thing.

Fun with Accidental Leaking

Have you seen th ecommercial for the "in between periods" pads. I think they're from Stay-Free, but that part really doesn't matter. If you're suffering from incontinence, you'll probably be able to figure it out. Anyway, one of the parts of the commercial shows a woman sneezing and then giggling...as if to say, "Hee hee....I just peed myself a little!"

Fun with Irony

Jodi saw this commercial and thought it was equally ridiculous. The next day while walking through the living room, she sneezed and peed herself a little. Then she laughed. Apparently, peeing yourself after sneezing really is funny.

Later.

The jury's still out...

2006-04-05T23:12:00.000-04:00

...on NBC's new comedy Teachers.

It's only mildy amusing so far after two episodes. The good news is that the second episode wasn't about the main character trying to get laid. The bad news is that the episode was about another character on the show trying to get laid. Sigh.

So I'm walking through the office today, and I notice a dry erase board in the shape of an arrow sitting outside the office of one of the Girls' Athletic Director's office. She wasn't around at the time, so I took a marker and wrote "Free Subway coupons! Inquire within." on the board and pointed the arrow toward her door. While I was doing this, the bookeeper walked by and gave me a funny look. In the three years I've been at this school, I've yet to see this woman smile. She gave me a dirty look and raised her eyebrows at me like it was going to make me stop or something. I tried to explain to her why it was funny, but I could tell it wasn't sinking in. All I could think to say was, "You see, this is what people who have a sense of humor do to pass the time every once in a while." That she understood. Then she huffed away...presumably back beneath the bridge to wait for a bigger billy goat to come along.

After school, I stopped by the AD's office and asked her about the free Subway tickets. Apparently people had been coming by all day and "inquiring within." I copped to the prank, she called me an jackass, and we both had a laugh as we planned what to write on the sign tomorrow to mess with the lady two doors down.

Now that Easter is approaching, I'm also considering the "Free Easter Ham" gag on the new teachers. This is where I print a memo on school letterhead that directs them to stop by someone's office to pick up a free Easter ham in honor of their dedicated service to the school. It also tells them they need to hurry while supplies last. At the last school I was at, I even got the principal to sign the letter. That was classic. I've stopped sending them to the board office though, because one guy couldn't make it by the deadline and sent his wife to pick it up. She then proceeded to interrupt his wrestling practice with a tirade of profanities that became an instant teachers' lounge classic.

Jodi thinks this is cruel. I sort of agree with her. On the other hand...funny is funny. You see this is what people who have a sense of humor do to pass the time every once in a while.

Later.

More of this...more of that

2006-04-03T18:04:00.000-04:00

So I'm in the can at work today, and I notice the name of the scent of hand soap is "Juicy Melons." Ummm...OK. I don't ever remember seeing this one at the grocery store. Maybe it's next to the "Sweater Meat" scented towlettes. And no, I can't tell you what the soap smelled like either. Guys don't wash their hands after they pee.

We took Phaedra to the beach yesterday. She loved every minute of it. It was very educational for her too. She learned that sand doesn't taste very good. I was a little disappointed that it took two handfuls for her to learn this, though. She also got to see my "Daddy of the Year" award swept out to sea when I failed to grab her quickly enough and a wave knocked her over. Oops.

I bought a gig of RAM on Ebay for $186 the other day. Good news: City of Heroes looks and plays like a dream. Bad news: So does The Sims 2. Damn you Jodi :)

Speaking of technology...I think it's cool that I can take pictures, watch ESPN, download MP3s, and have the Law & Order theme song as a ringtone on my phone. I just wish they'd make one that actually lets me have an entire phone conversation without dropping the call. Can you hear me n...Hello? Hello? Fuck!

Later.

Why I drink alcohol:

2006-03-30T15:56:00.000-05:00

Contrary to what many of you may think after reading some of my posts, I really do love my job. There are some days, however, where I wonder how in the hell I can be so crazy as to keep coming back every day.

Today was definitely one of those days. We're going through the review stage of the accreditation process, so the visiting team was here to grill all of the committees about their reports. As always, I was one of the people chosen to sit in front of the firing squad. Before that happened, though, I had to break up a fight in my classroom. As that was happening, however, the substitute teacher for the room next to mine came in and told me she had just received a phone call that her mother-in-law had died. I broke up the fight, took the turds to the office, came back to my room, took the sub to the office, went to the now sub-less classroom and threatened the students with physical violence if anything happened while nobody was in the room, went back to the office to check on the sub, and finally went to my own classroom to teach a lesson on tangents and secants.

Three times during the class period, an office aide came to my room asking me whether or not I was going to write referrals on the fighters. Each time, I answered in the affirmative, so I don't know why hte hell I needed to be asked about it repeatedly. When I finally finished the lesson, finished going over last night's homework, finished checking last night's homework, and began writing the referrals, there was only two or three minutes left in class. That's when two members of the second visiting team (a math observation team) came to ask me a bajillion questions about my everyday routine.

I like the fact that I have what is known as a "model classroom" and am frequently complimented on the system I've developed. The only problem is that every time people come to our school to observe anything, they're always sent to my class. When new teachers come in who don't know what the fuck they're doing, they're sent to my class for a day or two to observe. When training is necessary on "model classrooms," guess who gets to provide the training? That's right. Again, it's definitely nice to have my ass kissed all the time, but that doesn't mean it's not a pain in that same ass when it happens every fucking week. It certainly didn't help today with everything else that was going on.

After I answered all of the MathFest 2006 questions, I had about fifteen minutes before I was needed in front of the SACS committee. Just enough time for a smoke, right? Fucking wrong.
One of my colleagues who had fallen behind in the book with her students needed me to go through the chapters with her to pick out the things she could skip in order to catch up with everyone else. For fuck's sake...can I just have one cigarette?

Finally the SACS grilling session was about over when I noticed the media specialist biting into a cheese/peanut butter sandwich cracker. The strange part was that she wasn't biting into like every other person on the planet does, but she held it vertically and bit off the corner. What the fuck is that all about? For some reason, this really shook me up. I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a minute or two for the rest of the day because I kept wondering why in the hell anybody in her right mind would do something like this.

Anyway, I'm home now, and thankfully we have beer left over from the party. Lots of it.

Later.

Why?

2006-03-29T00:12:00.000-05:00

I have to admit I was a little excited about the new sitcom "Teachers" that debuted on NBC tonight. And then I watched it. Why does every fucking show have to be about somebody trying to get laid?

There's some damn funny shit that goes on behind the scenes in a school. It pisses me off that the writers had to go the cheap route. Fuckers. We have a teacher at school who seems to only be interested in laying pipe to the new young female teachers. We all think he's a douchebag. I wouldn't mind that angle being one of many story lines, but I certainly hope it's not the focus of the show every week.

Later.

New math

2006-03-27T23:52:00.000-05:00

Jodi happened across the MySpace page of someone who used to work for her. There was a link on the page to her boyfriend's site. When Jodi clicked on the link, the lyrics "I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one..." came blaring out of the speakers.

I think he needs to check his math. He's definitely got 100 problems.

Later.

This 'n' That

2006-03-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

1) I saw a guy in one of those Christopher Reeve wheelchairs yesterday...you know the ones with the straw control thingy. I understand that blowing into the straw makes the chair go forward, but what if he wanted to back up? Does he suck in to do that? If so, I wouldn't be able to handle that. I can't even drink a McDonald's milkshake without blowing a vessel.

2) TNT has been running a promo all day that says "Catch Las Vegas tonight, brought to you by Vagisil." Which, to me, means "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...except for that feminine itching you developed while you were here. That's coming home with you."

3) Jodi and I were in a mom & pop chicken restaurant the other day. On our way out, we stopped to look at this old adding machine that was near the front counter. It was a really neat antique and looked like something the dude on Antiques Road Show would have creamed all over himself about. That is until Jodi accidentally spilled her soda all over it. Sorry about that.

4) And while we're on the subject of apologies...If you happened to be at Winn Dixie the other day and forgot your carton of Marlboro Lights in your cart out in the parking lot...I want you to know that they've been given a very good home. I can send you a pack if you want one NG.

Later.

"F" the FCAT: Vol. 3

2006-03-19T10:16:00.000-05:00

Jodi and I had out 3rd annual "F" the FCAT/St. Patrick's Day party Friday night. Unfortunately, Drunk Girl couldn't join us. Apparently the rehearsal dinner for her wedding the next day was too important. Bullshit. Almost everyone got lost on their way over (as usual), which is also bullshit since my directions made Magellan look like an amateur. Other highlights included Jodi and I being de-throned as Beer Pong champions and me walking in on someone in the can. Fortunately, when I apologized to her last night at the wedding, she had apparently been too drunk to remember. I guess that takes care of the awkwardness at work.

Our creepy neighbor came over to join us for an hour or so, too (No...not the crackhead). When he came over, he was two-fisting a couple bottles of beer and immediately handed one over to my Jodi. Nice gesture and all, but it was O'Douls. At least it sounds Irish, right? The next morning, he saw me cleaning up in the yard and came over to talk to me as always. This is why he's creepy, by the way. All I have to do is walk outside for two seconds and he's out in his driveway trying to start up a conversation. I swear he watches our house with binoculars or something. Anyway, he asks me what time the party ended. When I told him, he said, "Yeah, I saw everyone leaving." What the fuck, dude? First of all, if you saw them leaving, unless your only working time piece is a sundial, I'm pretty sure you knew what time it was. And second of all...stop watching our fucking house.

And now it's time to prepare for the second party of the weekend. Eight of Jodi's friends will be here tonight on their way down to Daytona for Spring Break. I've invited my recently divorced friend over for dinner. He doesn't really know any of them, but he likes his odds. I know all of them, and I really like his odds.

Later.

Sweet Sweetback's Badass Baseball Bat

2006-03-16T00:11:00.000-05:00

The good thing about threatening to kill a crackhead with a baseball bat is that they're very apologetic. I just had a little run-in with two of them. Yeah...just now...at fucking midnight on a Wednesday. My dog was barking his "grrr...strangers on the street" bark, so I took the ol' Loisville Slugger outside with me to investigate. Sure enough, the crackheads were out there at the end of my driveway.

When the guy saw me, he started walking in the opposite direction. I've already made it very clear to him that bones will be broken if he ever speaks to me again. How nice of him to have remembered. The stupid ho he was with, however, had yet to be properly introduced. She started mumbling something about my dog barking and wanting to talk to me. I informed her that she could either talk to my dog or the bat.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Yeah, I know you're sorry. I've known that about you since I moved here. Now get the fuck away from my property." Then as she started walking away, I tapped the bat on the fence and suggested she move a little faster. Heehee...watching crackheads run is funny. (Oh, you ain't catchin' no crackhead! -Jodi)

Later.

P.S. Say 'no' to crack, bitches.

Little o' this, little o' that

2006-03-15T08:34:00.000-05:00

1) I hope everyone enjoyed their steaks yesterday.

2) When I see all this media coverage about MySpace predators, I think back to when I was in elementary school. Not that I knew anything about computers in 1983 other than what I learned from watching War Games. But did anyone else do that thing where you attached every single bit of personal information you could think of to a helium balloon and let it loose? What was that all about? ATTENTION NAMBLA MEMBERS...HERE'S WHERE I LIVE...COME GET ME! On the other hand, I was never really in danger anyway since my balloon usually ended up getting stuck in a fucking tree before it even left school grounds.

3) When people start showing better taste in whom they choose to have relationships with...I will start giving a shit when things aren't working out for them.

4) If my search stats for this blog are any indication, there are people who will have some serious explaining to do should Google be forced to hand their data over to the feds. And whoever was looking for "dirty sheep anus blood" might actually be in need of a little break from the internet anyway.

5) Why do people think that it's OK to bring a little dog into a store? Even if the other customers say shit like "Awwww...how cute!" it's only because not everyone is comfortable saying "What the fuck are you doing, you stupid douchebag?" out loud. Jodi had one of these assholes in her store the other day. Not only did the bitch have a dog with her, she placed it on the counter at one point and attempted to put some of the miniature clothes onto it. (That sentence didn't really make sense...but you know what I mean) And of course she had plenty of attitude for Jodi when told she wasn't allowed to do so. Listen parents...please...I'm begging you...say 'no' to your child every once in a while. It's good for them. Really.

6) Fists of Fury Update: 12 students were kicked out and sent to an alternative school for the remainder of the school year. It's about fucking time the administration showed a little sack. Of course there's one family who can't accept this ruling and is trying to do everything they can to dispute it. Yeah, that's it. Don't worry about teaching your child responsibility for his actions or anything. Fucktards. The grandfather of this particular student happens to be a local preacher. He's been ranting and raving to anyone who will listen about how his grandson is being treated unfairly. He even showed up with a news crew the other day and tried to hold a press conference in front of the school. He was told to kindly go fuck himself and was escorted away by the police. The true dickhead moment for this guy was at the memorial service for a local basketball coach. Instead of lamenting the loss of an icon and father figure to thousands of student athletes over a 30+ year career, the preacher decided to use the platform to defend his grandson. What an asshole.

Later.

Something funny happened...

2006-03-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

...on the way to Steak and BJ day. When I checked my mailbox at school this morning, I noticed a flier inviting me to attend a special luncheon to show appreciation for those of us who attended the special Saturday sessions of FCAT preparations.

And what do you suppose was being served?

That's right...steak. I'm sure nobody else thought it was as funny as I did, though.

Today (3/14) is also known as Pi Day to nerdy mathematicians around the world...myself included. Again, I seemed to be the only one fascinated by this. One of my students even asked me, "How can a number have a birthday?" Not the smartest peanut in the turd, that one.

Later.

Holiday Alert!

2006-03-13T15:49:00.000-05:00

Did you know that tomorrow is a holiday? You didn't?

Shame on you!

Don't worry, you don't have to go out and buy anything for anyone...well technically you don't. Yes, for those of you who don't know, tomorrow (March 14th) is Steak and BJ Day. A month ago, every guy in America went through a whole lotta shit just to provide a warm, romantic, love-filled day for their partners on Valentine's Day. Tomorrow, the fruits of that labor will be collected.

The entire holiday is based on three main principles:

1) Men don't really have their own holiday. (Since there's also a Mother's Day, Father's Day doesn't count).

2) Men want meat...lots of it...and the best kind. That's where the steak comes in.

3) Men also like blowjobs...a lot.

It's just so pure and simple that it almost brings tears to my eyes. And ladies don't be afraid to make the experience directly proportional to what your man did for you on Valentine's Day. If the experience was earth-shattering...show him how much you care. If he "forgot" or gave you a broom to match the dustpan he got you for Christmas...give himSteak-Ums and don't swallow. Either way, everyone wins on Steak and BJ Day.

...and isn't that what the holiday season is all about?

Later.

Sometimes the blogs just write themselves...

2006-03-10T12:51:00.000-05:00

My vehemence for "forward this now or else" emails has been well-documented on this blog. Unfortunately some wanker from another school doesn't know this. Yesterday, he sent one to me and the other 16,000 teachers in the district through school email.

Above the forwarded material the sender posed the following question:

Is this kind of activity sanction[sic] on school computers?

And then the following command:

PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!! IT WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE!!!!

Dude, what's with the exclamation points? The caps already have my attention. The actual content of the email included a standard Christian message of salvation and redemption. While I probably should have deleted the message and moved on to something else, I chose to respond to his question of appropriateness. I did so in one sentence:

I guess you'll find out, won't you?

When I checked my email this morning, I got this response from him:

Subject: The come back[sic]! (again with the exclamation point)

Listen closely to the message I'm trying to get across. Read and comprehend the letter before you judge or even have something ignorant or negative to say... I don't care about that little phrase that was thrown in there. (Send 9 people this mesaage and you will recieve a miracle.) That doesn't even seem real to me. So don't take the message offensive. Your [sic] an adult, act like one please.

WTF? Where did he get all of that from? And you bet your ass I replied to this shit:

Here is what you wrote: "Is this kind of activity sanction[sic] on school computers?"

Here is what I wrote: "I guess you'll find out, won't you?"

You asked a question, and I answered it. I made no mention as to the content or message of the rest of your email. I was simply implying that if the network administrators decide that what you sent was not appropriate, they would inform you.

I don't have the first clue as to how you can dismiss me as "ignorant," "negative," and accuse me of not acting like an adult when all I did was provide an honest response to a question that you asked. That doesn't make any sense.

See how civil I am? I could have chosen to attack his poor grammar (in both emails). I could have complained to the network admin about it. I could have reamed him for judging someone he doesn't know for no reason whatsoever. But what's the point? It's so unsatifying to enter into a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.

And what's with asking the question as to the appropriateness of a topic while simultaneously sending the same material to 16,000 people? You can't blow a load on someone as you're asking if it's OK. That's just wrong...and unmannerly I might add.

Later.

Did you know?

2006-03-09T17:57:00.000-05:00

Did you know that there's actually a Ms. Wheelchair America pageant?

Yeah. Isn't that something? Normally, I think pageants of all sorts are for attention whores and serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever. They could cease to exist and nobody but the wannabe contestants would even notice. However, I think this one isn't so bad. There's definitely some positive self-esteem that can be gained from competing in something like this.

What I really want to know is what they call the person who comes in 2nd place. I mean if self-esteem is truly the main goal, then I don't think Runner-Up is a good choice at all.

Later.

Poor Jodi...

2006-03-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've spent plenty of time on this blog bitching about the idiots who keep getting hired to work at my school. Jodi, however, may have me beat in the "Surrounded By Idiots" department. I feel really sorry for her. I understand that retail is more of a pit stop rather than a destination for many of her employees. What I don't understand is how people can take so little pride in themselves.

Lately, Jodi's favorite quote has been "I can deal with untrained. I can't fix stupid." And after hearing some of the stories she's told over the past 2+ years, I don't blame her. Most of it is just female drama. Yeah, yeah, that probably sounds chauvanistic, but everyone knows that women don't always get along in the workplace. Call me a pig if you want to...you know I'm right. The sad part is that most of these people have been out of high school for years, yet they still lead lives full of immature bullshit. God bless my wife. I would have killed myself by now.

What happened last night was so ridiculous I don't even know where to start. Because one of her employees is a complete fucktard (and basically a worthless piece of shit), we went to spy on him while he worked. Sadly, that's actually part of Jodi's job. Anyway, we were sitting on a bench across the street from the store, and it looked like it was pretty busy in there. That was until we realized that three of the customers were friends of his who were in there hanging out with the guy while he was supposed to be working.

Two of the people (a guy and a girl) kept making out with each other all over the store. The third turned out to be the guy's latest boyfriend. How did we find this out? Oh...because they were making out on the sales floor, too. Wonderful. We ended up hanging around until the store closed, at which point the employee came outside and smoked a cigarette with his buddies. Then he and the boy made out some more. Jodi tried calling him while he was outside, but the guy had some more groping to do first. When he finally went back in, Jodi called him again and asked why he didn't answer the phone. He lied and said he was taking out the trash. Fucker.

When the guy finally closed the store, we followed him in the car to make sure he actually took the deposit to the bank. Once that was taken care of, we went back to the store. Jodi went in and walked around to see if he'd done anything on his task list. Of course he hadn't. Fucker.

Now here's what pisses me off the most about the whole situation. When Jodi closes the store, she doesn't get home until after 10. That means we usually only end up spending about 2 hours with one another before going to bed. It sucks, but we gotta eat. So when assholes like this guy can't do their fucking jobs like a normal adult, Jodi has to stay even later to pick up the slack. That means I get to spend even less time with her. That's bullshit. I get the fact that he may not give too much of a shit about his job. Fine. I also get that some of the people who work retail are so fucking stupid that they literally can't do things like count the amount of cash in a drawer correctly...ever (That one still amazes me by the way). But once someone's fucktardedness begins to infringe upon the already small amount of time my wife and I get to spend together...now it's personal. And personally, I think you're a worthless douchebag.

Once again...God bless her. There's no way I could work in that environment. I deal with ignorant teenagers every day. They can't help they're ignorant...that's what school is for. Ignorant, lazy, drama queen adults should know better.

Later.

Fists of Fury: Part II

2006-03-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

It's interesting that I could post the entry about the fight yesterday, but when asked to fill out a statement for the police this morning, I couldn't think of anything to write. Here's exactly what I gave them:

"There was a big group of students fighting. I pulled several of them apart. I don't know any of the names except for the student I restrained until Officer Blankity-Blank took him away."

Gee...thanks Stevie Wonder. You've been so helpful.

Later.

P.S. And how the fuck did Don Knotts not make the "Look who keeled over this year" montage at the Oscars?

Careful what you wish for...

2006-03-06T16:29:00.000-05:00

I moved to a new classroom this year, and one of the noticeable differences is the lack of fistfights outside my door. My old room was right outside the cafeteria, a good spot for fisticuffs in case you didn't know. Not that I condone fighting in any way. In fact, it's pretty much the stupidest way to settle differences that anyone has every thought of. If you're a fighter...you're an idiot. Period.

That said, I still like to jump in and break them up when they occur. I've been punched, cut, kicked, etc., but it's still part of my job. The main reason I do it though (and this may sound weird) is because the kids respect it. I'm about as non-violent as you can possibly be, but if a kid is going to do exactly what I tell him do do when I tell him to do it because he's not quite sure if I'm going to kick is ass...so be it. I'll take the extra amount of classroom management anywhere I can get it.

Anyway, I was mentioning to a colleague last week how I hadn't gotten to do so all year. It's not that the number of fights has gone down, but they're happening somewhere away from my room. Today, however, I got my wish (if you want to call it that). It happened right at the end of my hallway just after lunch. And boy was it a doozy.

I heard a few kids in my room hollering fight, and before I could get up from my desk, one of my students bolted from the door and took off down the hall. I caught up with him halfway to the melee, and grabbed him by the jacket. A quick yank and he was headed back to my room. When I got to the fight, it was a little hard to see what was going on due to the crowd. I tossed a few looky-loos aside and jumped right in. From what I could tell, there were about six kids involved. By the time I figured out who was who, security and some other teachers had pulled them all way from each other. Then out of nowhere, the one combatant standing closest to me got knocked the fuck out by a kid who had broken free of his captor. The punch sent him sprawling into the bushes along with one of the female security guards. Another guard grabbed hold of the puncher, and I picked up the woman from out of the bushes.

Once the other kid had finally woken up, one of the football coaches dragged him to his feet and tried to escort him to the office. The kid wasn't having it, and that's when things started to get ugly. The fights themselves are no big deal. They happen, kids get suspended, and we move on. But in this case, the kid and several of his friends were now talking about taking it to another level. Yeah...you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the football coach who had hold of the kid has had about 10 knee surgeries and wasn't doing so well keeping him locked down, so I stepped in took over. That's always a tough part because you never know if a kid's going to try and take off during the exchange. It's happened before, and it's not fun.

Anyway, there's about six of us surrounding the kid trying to keep him from making everything worse by not letting us take him to the office. Oh, and of course the fucking police officer assigned to the school was nowhere to be found. We finally reached him on the walkie, and he started to make his way toward us to take over. When the kid saw the officer coming, I could feel his body tense as though he was testing my grip. I know the little shit was thinking about doing something stupid. At the time I was behind the kid with a half-nelson on the left arm and his right arm twisted behind his back. When I felt the kid tense, I squeezed his right wrist and twisted his arm a little further in the wrong direction. "Probably not a good idea, son," I told him. He got the point and relaxed until the officer got over to us. I made sure the officer had a good grip on the kid before I let go, and stepped back to finally catch my breath.

We ended up holding our fifth period classes in our rooms until the end of the day instead of sending them to sixth period because we were worried that something else would happen. I managed to get off pretty easy in this one. My wrist is a little sore, and I ended up with some blood on my shirt. Other than that, it was a rather uneventful day in the ol' schoolyard.

Later.